How Learned Helplessness has shaped me

Photo by me

In my “abnormal psychology” course I came across a term: learned helplessness. This is a state of mind that is reached after someone is robbed of their sense of control over negative conditions repeatedly, leaving them with a sense of powerlessness that paralyzes them. There is a theory that says that this can lead to depression, and like many theories in psychology, the earlier learned helplessness started and the more reinforced it was in someone’s upbringing, the more it has a grip on their psyche.

This goes deep for me.

I have bipolar disorder; that’s not news. I’ve also experienced a lot of trauma, both big “T” and little “t.” Both of these factors contribute greatly to feelings of helplessness.

I also have a deeply ingrained idea of myself as helpless. If I start making mistakes in front of people where I have to perform a task I’m not entirely comfortable with, my brain freezes and I make more mistakes, and it starts a vicious cycle. I end up feeling like I need to apologize for my existence and even saying “I’m sorry” out loud is an imposition.

This is not an accurate image I have of myself. It is a belief that is so tightly wired that it has become a part of my identity. In my course, I learned that I’ve taken on this characteristic as “ego-syntonic,” meaning I’ve seen it as an unchanging part…